Proverbs 16:20-21 20 Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD. 21 The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.
"Mommy, is Daddy ever coming home?" I asked, just a five year old longing for the comfort of my Papa Daddy's arms.
"No, darling, Daddy doesn't live with us anymore," Mother replied smoothly.
"How come?" I pursued.
She gazed at me with her grey eyes, seeing but not seeing, her mind somewhere far away, her voice soft and distant. "Darling, Daddy was a good man but something happened to him and it's not safe for us to live with him. We won't see him anymore. Remember the good things."
We moved far away from my hometown and I saw my father only twice again in my life. He rarely tried to contact us and provided no support to my mother.
"I wish Daddy were here," I said to my sister J a few years after the divorce.
"No you don't," she said, "he's a bad man."
"Don't you say that about my Papa Daddy!" I cried, throwing my ceramic Cinderella figurine at her. She ducked and it shattered in a zillion pieces on the wood floor.
"You're so stupid!" J yelled at me. "You don't remember anything. Oh yeah, you were the baby, the favorite. He didn't hurt you like he did the rest of us!"
I did remember the beating he gave my brother when he had a broken arm from a roller-skating fall. Daddy slammed his arm against the edge of the divan and broke it again.
I remembered when J left her skates on the front porch and he yanked her from the tub and threw her outside to pick them up.
I remembered the stories my sister A told of the unspeakable acts he'd committed against her before she ran away and joined the circus.
I also remembered at least one incident when all of us were "disciplined."
"Hurry!" J urged as she rummaged through her dresser drawer. "Daddy will be home soon!"
We gathered all of our underpants and put them on under our shorts. "Now when he beats us we won't feel it," she reasoned. We were perhaps four and six at the time.
"What did they do today?" Daddy asked Mama in an accusatory tone when he got home that day.
"Nothing, they were good as gold," she boasted.
"You're lying!" Daddy raged. "All of you!" He screamed at us, "get in my room now!"
The four of us gathered in our parents’ bedroom, trembling. He took out a rhinestone studded belt belonging to my mother, ordered us all to lie across their bed, and proceeded to lash us with it. "This is for all the bad things you did today that your mother didn't tell me about!"
I didn't remember the pain. Only the flash of those rhinestones against the leather. I can still see the colored light of the gems bouncing off the walls as Daddy came across the room with the leather folded in a loop between his hands.
That flashback was prompted by another memory of when I was seventeen. I was a hippie traveling around the country in a converted school bus with my boyfriend. The engine blew up in a small town in northern Florida and while we waited for a few days for the man at the garage to find a replacement, he allowed us to stay in our bus parked on his property.
We met some college students who lived nearby and struck up a friendship. One of the guys had a book from his psychology class, "The Primal Scream." I was quite impressed so he gave it to me. I don't remember much about the book except that it impressed me so much I told my mother about it and suggested she give it to A, an emotionally damaged alcoholic drug addict.
I was always trying to fix people, relationships, and situations, continually trying to make peace, wanting harmony, seeking to reconcile. I would do whatever it took, even if that meant taking responsibility for someone else's screw up. I constantly felt guilty whether I was or not. If something went missing, I felt guilty being convinced the person thought I took it. If someone was hurt, I felt it was my fault somehow. If someone was angry at me, I deserved it. If I won at a game I felt guilty for stealing someone’s joy. Sometimes I would lose on purpose or downplay my excitement about winning so my opponent wouldn't feel bad. Your joy was forever at my expense.
In maturity I've attempted to shake off this shroud of guilt. I've tried to enjoy winning but came across cocky. I honestly don't know how to celebrate without looking like an idiot so I flounder. I've endeavored to accept compliments but in discomfort usually offer a compliment back. I've struggled to keep my mouth shut when someone is in trouble, let them suffer their own consequences, but often manage to intervene and defend the perpetrator, justifying their sin, even falsely implicating myself.
I was thinking about this whole guilt thing the other night and said, in an off the cuff prayer, "God, why don't you fix this? Change me!" Suddenly I had a revelation.
Humans by nature want to conquer. Whether they fix clocks, or win football games or calculate stock advantages, everybody wants to make things work better. Those fascinated by the mind have been trying to reprogram the brain to work according to the worlds standards of the norm. Psychologists, psychiatrists and counselors all want to fix our minds. They derive great satisfaction from helping people deal with life on life’s terms.
God knew from before I was born who my parents would be, the path my father would follow and how he would abuse my family. He knew every breath each of us would take and how we would respond and how that would shape our future. Ultimately, the Lord knew that all I went through and how it influenced my personality would fashion the person I am today - full of passion, compassion, love, understanding, empathy and mercy. Guilty.
Without self-reproach, I would not be the instrument for God's purposes that I've become. Guilt is my motivator. Is it a bad thing? I think not. I believe it is a tool for God's use of me. Mind you I still strive to overcome false guilt, lest I interfere with godly discipline meant for another's spiritual growth.
If my spiritual shape is a triangle, I can never be forced into a circular world view.
Perhaps you remember the story of Joseph in Genesis 50. His brothers knew Joseph was special; they envied and hated him. When he told them of a dream he'd had about the wheat sheaves bowing down to him, they were furious to think he believed they would all one day bow down to him. So they concocted a murderous plot, threw him in to a well and took his blood stained beautiful cloak back to their parents claiming he'd been killed by a wild boar.
They didn't let Joseph die in the well because they were afraid of the repercussions so they hauled him back out and sold him into slavery. He became a model servant to the Pharaoh in Egypt, rising through the ranks to become Pharaoh’s right hand man.
Pharaoh’s wife tried to seduce Joseph and he refused her amorous pass. Insulted, she falsely accused him of rape and had him sent to prison.
God gave Joseph the gift of prophecy. Because he was able to rightly explain Pharaoh’s dream and wisely advised the storage of food for a coming famine, he saved the people of Egypt. Released from prison he once more governed the land with all due authority. Then his family came to Egypt looking for food since there was drought and famine in their own land. There, Joseph's brothers came face to face with their accuser. But rather than condemn them as they deserved, he was gracious and recognized the hand of God in reuniting them, giving Him all the glory.
Gen 50:19-20 19 But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Joseph was shaped to fit the well. If he'd been kept in a box, the world as we know it would not exist.
Take a look at your life. What motivates you? What is your shape? Try looking at it from a different perspective. Get on the outside and see if you can view your life from God's perspective. What has He allowed you to go through, how has that crafted your life, how does it play out in your faith?
Jesus knew he would suffer and accepted His part graciously. Luke 17:25 But first he must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.
Every human being on this planet suffers in one way or another at some time in life. Some struggle more than others, some from beginning to end. If doctors of the mind could understand and accept that there's a reason for our brokenness - that God designs things for his good purposes, they would better be able to guide troubled people onto a meaningful path. What Satan meant for evil can be channeled for God's purposes, with God's leading. Whatever your situation is, count it all joy because God has a plan.
Cardboard Testimonies Watch the video and then spend a few minutes thinking about your own life. What are your hurts, damage, and motivators?
If you have a relationship with God, write your own cardboard testimony. One side tells of your biggest struggle as a sinner in this world. The other side tells of God's glory - how He's using it in your life. Meditate on the marvelous ways God is using your deficiencies or past mistakes.
If you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, you too can be free of whatever ties your mind into knots. I would rather feel the savage stones of Mama’s belt in Papa’s hands again than to see you miss this opportunity to be fulfilled with the love and mercy of our eternal God. The world wants to drag you down. Satan wants to own your soul. Alone we can do nothing. But with God, all things are possible.
I'm hear to tell you that God loves you. The plan for salvation is very simple. Walking in faith is not easy, as some would have you believe. It's a life filled with challenge and adventure. The truth is, nothing in life is easy. But taking this journey with Jesus as a constant companion is immeasurably more gratifying than going the road alone. I came to faith blindly, not truly understanding, but believing without a doubt that Jesus was the only way. My faith has been continually strengthened for many years by daily Bible study, prayer, fellowship with other believers, and worship.
Psychology and counseling can be helpful, don't get me wrong. Take those paths with caution. Let someone help you become the person you were meant to be, according to God's plans, shaped for your very own corner of the world. God knows how you best fit. I believe whatever you've experienced has carved you like a fine woodcutting tool in the hand of your Creator. Embrace it.
Because he first love us,
anne
"Mommy, is Daddy ever coming home?" I asked, just a five year old longing for the comfort of my Papa Daddy's arms.
"No, darling, Daddy doesn't live with us anymore," Mother replied smoothly.
"How come?" I pursued.
She gazed at me with her grey eyes, seeing but not seeing, her mind somewhere far away, her voice soft and distant. "Darling, Daddy was a good man but something happened to him and it's not safe for us to live with him. We won't see him anymore. Remember the good things."
We moved far away from my hometown and I saw my father only twice again in my life. He rarely tried to contact us and provided no support to my mother.
"I wish Daddy were here," I said to my sister J a few years after the divorce.
"No you don't," she said, "he's a bad man."
"Don't you say that about my Papa Daddy!" I cried, throwing my ceramic Cinderella figurine at her. She ducked and it shattered in a zillion pieces on the wood floor.
"You're so stupid!" J yelled at me. "You don't remember anything. Oh yeah, you were the baby, the favorite. He didn't hurt you like he did the rest of us!"
I did remember the beating he gave my brother when he had a broken arm from a roller-skating fall. Daddy slammed his arm against the edge of the divan and broke it again.
I remembered when J left her skates on the front porch and he yanked her from the tub and threw her outside to pick them up.
I remembered the stories my sister A told of the unspeakable acts he'd committed against her before she ran away and joined the circus.
I also remembered at least one incident when all of us were "disciplined."
"Hurry!" J urged as she rummaged through her dresser drawer. "Daddy will be home soon!"
We gathered all of our underpants and put them on under our shorts. "Now when he beats us we won't feel it," she reasoned. We were perhaps four and six at the time.
"What did they do today?" Daddy asked Mama in an accusatory tone when he got home that day.
"Nothing, they were good as gold," she boasted.
"You're lying!" Daddy raged. "All of you!" He screamed at us, "get in my room now!"
The four of us gathered in our parents’ bedroom, trembling. He took out a rhinestone studded belt belonging to my mother, ordered us all to lie across their bed, and proceeded to lash us with it. "This is for all the bad things you did today that your mother didn't tell me about!"
I didn't remember the pain. Only the flash of those rhinestones against the leather. I can still see the colored light of the gems bouncing off the walls as Daddy came across the room with the leather folded in a loop between his hands.
That flashback was prompted by another memory of when I was seventeen. I was a hippie traveling around the country in a converted school bus with my boyfriend. The engine blew up in a small town in northern Florida and while we waited for a few days for the man at the garage to find a replacement, he allowed us to stay in our bus parked on his property.
We met some college students who lived nearby and struck up a friendship. One of the guys had a book from his psychology class, "The Primal Scream." I was quite impressed so he gave it to me. I don't remember much about the book except that it impressed me so much I told my mother about it and suggested she give it to A, an emotionally damaged alcoholic drug addict.
I was always trying to fix people, relationships, and situations, continually trying to make peace, wanting harmony, seeking to reconcile. I would do whatever it took, even if that meant taking responsibility for someone else's screw up. I constantly felt guilty whether I was or not. If something went missing, I felt guilty being convinced the person thought I took it. If someone was hurt, I felt it was my fault somehow. If someone was angry at me, I deserved it. If I won at a game I felt guilty for stealing someone’s joy. Sometimes I would lose on purpose or downplay my excitement about winning so my opponent wouldn't feel bad. Your joy was forever at my expense.
In maturity I've attempted to shake off this shroud of guilt. I've tried to enjoy winning but came across cocky. I honestly don't know how to celebrate without looking like an idiot so I flounder. I've endeavored to accept compliments but in discomfort usually offer a compliment back. I've struggled to keep my mouth shut when someone is in trouble, let them suffer their own consequences, but often manage to intervene and defend the perpetrator, justifying their sin, even falsely implicating myself.
I was thinking about this whole guilt thing the other night and said, in an off the cuff prayer, "God, why don't you fix this? Change me!" Suddenly I had a revelation.
Humans by nature want to conquer. Whether they fix clocks, or win football games or calculate stock advantages, everybody wants to make things work better. Those fascinated by the mind have been trying to reprogram the brain to work according to the worlds standards of the norm. Psychologists, psychiatrists and counselors all want to fix our minds. They derive great satisfaction from helping people deal with life on life’s terms.
God knew from before I was born who my parents would be, the path my father would follow and how he would abuse my family. He knew every breath each of us would take and how we would respond and how that would shape our future. Ultimately, the Lord knew that all I went through and how it influenced my personality would fashion the person I am today - full of passion, compassion, love, understanding, empathy and mercy. Guilty.
Without self-reproach, I would not be the instrument for God's purposes that I've become. Guilt is my motivator. Is it a bad thing? I think not. I believe it is a tool for God's use of me. Mind you I still strive to overcome false guilt, lest I interfere with godly discipline meant for another's spiritual growth.
If my spiritual shape is a triangle, I can never be forced into a circular world view.
Perhaps you remember the story of Joseph in Genesis 50. His brothers knew Joseph was special; they envied and hated him. When he told them of a dream he'd had about the wheat sheaves bowing down to him, they were furious to think he believed they would all one day bow down to him. So they concocted a murderous plot, threw him in to a well and took his blood stained beautiful cloak back to their parents claiming he'd been killed by a wild boar.
They didn't let Joseph die in the well because they were afraid of the repercussions so they hauled him back out and sold him into slavery. He became a model servant to the Pharaoh in Egypt, rising through the ranks to become Pharaoh’s right hand man.
Pharaoh’s wife tried to seduce Joseph and he refused her amorous pass. Insulted, she falsely accused him of rape and had him sent to prison.
God gave Joseph the gift of prophecy. Because he was able to rightly explain Pharaoh’s dream and wisely advised the storage of food for a coming famine, he saved the people of Egypt. Released from prison he once more governed the land with all due authority. Then his family came to Egypt looking for food since there was drought and famine in their own land. There, Joseph's brothers came face to face with their accuser. But rather than condemn them as they deserved, he was gracious and recognized the hand of God in reuniting them, giving Him all the glory.
Gen 50:19-20 19 But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Joseph was shaped to fit the well. If he'd been kept in a box, the world as we know it would not exist.
Take a look at your life. What motivates you? What is your shape? Try looking at it from a different perspective. Get on the outside and see if you can view your life from God's perspective. What has He allowed you to go through, how has that crafted your life, how does it play out in your faith?
Jesus knew he would suffer and accepted His part graciously. Luke 17:25 But first he must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.
Every human being on this planet suffers in one way or another at some time in life. Some struggle more than others, some from beginning to end. If doctors of the mind could understand and accept that there's a reason for our brokenness - that God designs things for his good purposes, they would better be able to guide troubled people onto a meaningful path. What Satan meant for evil can be channeled for God's purposes, with God's leading. Whatever your situation is, count it all joy because God has a plan.
Cardboard Testimonies Watch the video and then spend a few minutes thinking about your own life. What are your hurts, damage, and motivators?
If you have a relationship with God, write your own cardboard testimony. One side tells of your biggest struggle as a sinner in this world. The other side tells of God's glory - how He's using it in your life. Meditate on the marvelous ways God is using your deficiencies or past mistakes.
If you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, you too can be free of whatever ties your mind into knots. I would rather feel the savage stones of Mama’s belt in Papa’s hands again than to see you miss this opportunity to be fulfilled with the love and mercy of our eternal God. The world wants to drag you down. Satan wants to own your soul. Alone we can do nothing. But with God, all things are possible.
I'm hear to tell you that God loves you. The plan for salvation is very simple. Walking in faith is not easy, as some would have you believe. It's a life filled with challenge and adventure. The truth is, nothing in life is easy. But taking this journey with Jesus as a constant companion is immeasurably more gratifying than going the road alone. I came to faith blindly, not truly understanding, but believing without a doubt that Jesus was the only way. My faith has been continually strengthened for many years by daily Bible study, prayer, fellowship with other believers, and worship.
Psychology and counseling can be helpful, don't get me wrong. Take those paths with caution. Let someone help you become the person you were meant to be, according to God's plans, shaped for your very own corner of the world. God knows how you best fit. I believe whatever you've experienced has carved you like a fine woodcutting tool in the hand of your Creator. Embrace it.
Because he first love us,
anne
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